Free

I strutted down the hallway.  In a sense, I Olivia Pope'd it.

I had my new eyewear on.  I had already slipped into my comfy flip-flops.  My arms were out.  My hair, moisturized, bouncy, and swaying in its natural-ness.  The weather in Atlanta was spring-time perfect - you know soft sun, gentle breeze, and all that jazz.

I approached my apartment door.  And with a step, I heard a pulse.  The "pulse" said, "You're free."

Days before, I facilitated public health discussions with colleagues in North Carolina.  During the discussions, I was sometimes quiet and when I did speak, I stumbled over my words while trying to articulate myself perfectly and appear competent.  (I was trying too hard.) By the end of the visit, things sailed smoothly and I contributed valuable information to the discussions.  But of course, I beat myself up concerning the missteps.  "Elise, you should have explained it this way!"  

When I heard "free", I burst into tears!  In the hallway!  It hit me right in the insecure place of my heart.  I'M FREE.  I'm free to misspeak and to be misunderstood.  I am free to feel sexy and beautiful.  I am free to laugh out loud and snort when I do.  I am free to exude both confidence and naivete.  I am free to receive compliments and gifts.   I am free to love my dog - and instruct everyone around me on how to love her too.  I am free to say "no" and "yes".  I am free to work diligently and also to procrastinate.  I am free! 

Psalm 118:5 reads, "In my anguish I cried to the Lord, and he answered by setting me free."

I've experienced plenty of anguish-filled nights.  My prayers, some answered and others still swishing around this nebulous atmosphere of heaven and earth, have been filled with pleas for relief, rescue, and comfort.  The Lord has answered by setting me free!  He has set me free from the laws of sin and death.  He has delivered me from lies.  I identify with Christ.  He calls me His own.  I am free to love God and to be loved by God, to know God and to be known by God.  I am free to stumble and receive His Grace and Mercy.   I am free, y'all!  And I'm not turning back.

Vulnerability

I sat, naked and alone.

I awaited the doctor's entry into the room.  Clothed with nothing but a paper vest and an equally fragile paper blanket across my lap, I felt insecure. 

I suddenly remembered all of the moments when I felt helpless.  I felt helpless when my mother battled her anxiety and depression. I felt helpless when I thought I would never make it through graduate school.  I felt most helpless when I believed God had forgotten about me.

My renewed mind kicked in.  Scriptures rose from the depths of my heart.  I heard, "I will never leave you nor forsake you."  I heard, "The Lord is near to all who call on him."  I recaptured, "The name of the Lord is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe."

Immediately, as I meditated on the truth communicated through these scriptures, an overwhelming feeling of peace washed over me.  

The appointment proceeded as routinely as expected.   And throughout the visit, I worshiped God for being near, dear, and ever so comforting in every aspect of my life.