Making the Exchange

I have a hard time letting things go.  I carry around offenses and disappointments for a really long time.  Thank the Lord for the Lord! He always steps in to renew my mind.

Recently, I was meditating on a sore area of my past and it began to drag me down.  After each meditative minute, the weight on my chest grew heavier and heavier.  Ugh!

Then I received an image.

I saw a free bird carrying around the cage she had been previously trapped in. Why in the world would a newly-freed caged bird hold on to her cage?!

And then I realized that I was the bird! Darn it!

The cage is my back-up.  "Well God, I'm running this race for you but if things don't work out, I am going back into my cage, back into hiding, where much isn't' required of me."  And there's the fear... again!

I was flying over a vast ocean.  The living water (that is Christ) filled the ocean with love, joy, peace, and every delight from heaven I could think of.  I saw God on the horizon.  As I stared, I loosened my grip on the cage.  The cage crashed down onto some rocks below and broke up into little pieces that were soon swallowed up by the ocean.

Ok Lord... I get it.  I get it. Will I live it though?  Will I live like a free bird?  Will I dare to soar?  Will I keep my eyes fixed on you?  Will I trust you as the wind beneath my wings?  Do you see me?  Will you comfort me?  Are you my rest and refuge? 

Ok, so this is it.  One more 'gain.  I am exchanging my bondage for freedom.  He's pulling me out.  I hear him saying, "Come out here beloved and walk on this water with me.  Soar with me.  Rest with me.  Delight in me, as I delight in you.  Let's do this."

Ok, Lord.  Let's do this.  Give me a minute though to tie my shoes.  Teehee!

Good Men

Jeanine walked into the room and was full of joy.  She was enthusiastically awaiting a special word from the Lord.  As soon as she sat down, my team went to work.  The other two people in the room (let's call them April and Jim) were providing words and visions of comfort.  I didn't have my thoughts together yet, but Jim announced to Jeanine that I was baking something special for her.  Ha, I was.  The Lord was showing me something dark.  I saw someone beating Jeanine with a whip!  When I told her what I saw, her eyes grew big; she looked shocked.  I also saw the Lord stepping in between her and her accuser, rescuing her.  I heard the Lord say that her singing during her private worship moments would help to free her.

Jim probed a bit more.  He asked Jeanine if the whipping scene resonated with her.  In fact, the accuser was her ex-husband.  She told us of the relational distress they had been in, and her disappointment now that he had moved on (remarried) and started a family, a family she always wanted.

April asked me to pray.  I pressed into the spirit and pulled down the words of comfort and victory that the Lord wanted to share.  After I finished praying, Jim, who had pulled up a chair right in front of April and grabbed her hands, prayed some more. In the prayer he asked God to cut off the attack of the enemy and to bring healing.  Jim paused in the middle of his prayer.  He looked Jeanine in her eyes and announced that he was going to stand in for the men in her life who had hurt her.  Jim then asked Jeanine, "Will you forgive us?"  Jeanine said she would.  We closed out the session and awaited the next appointment.

Jim is fun.  At the beginning of our prophetic session he made a joke about receiving text messages from God.  Jim is kind.  His words are sincere and reflect the Father's heart.  Jim is an encourager.  When he told Jeanine that I had something special for, it prompted me to ask the Lord to show me more.  Jim is like most men I have met during my time on the prophetic team.  These men are older gentleman, Caucasian, and so warm and fuzzy it bowls me over!  They are strong, they are deep, and they are secure in the Father's love.

I often meet men who are still trying to find themselves. (Let me add that there's nothing wrong with identity exploration.  It takes us right into the arms of the Father.)  I meet men who need encouragement to be who the Father created them to be.  (Again, nothing wrong with that.  Alas, I am an encourager.) But, there is something really special, I mean really special, about men who've already found themselves, and the Father, and are able to encourage me!  It is refreshing to find a man who doesn't have to prove his masculinity.  The men on my prophetic team are strong and tender, reflecting both the masculine and feminine traits of God, and they are not afraid to show it!  I love it!

I did not know men like this existed.  Seriously.  They have changed the way I understand strength, purpose, pastoral care, and fatherly love.  I did not know that white men could be so kind.  No, seriously.   I did not know that older men could be so identity-secure.  No, seriously.  I did not know that the sensitive man is beautiful.  Seriously, I didn't.  I am glad that I have caught a glimpse of this.  I see what a godly man looks like in later life.  And I like it!  I look forward to watching my godly man grow into a prized fatherly jewel.  In the meantime, I will soak up all I can from these earthly dads and use their wisdom, encouragement, and love to grow into the godly woman God desires me to be.

Can I Love?

"It's not easy to love everyone, but it is the call on every prophet's life.  To test us in this, God deliberately puts people around us who are meant to be loved by us.  Oftentimes, we will have to be very creative to love them; some of them, by design, are not easy to love.  But those unlovable ones, ironically, teach us the most about God's heart."

It's safer to withhold love from the unlovable, the hard to love.  When I can't get what I want from a relationship with someone, I draw back.  "You can't give me what I want so you get nothing at all", is my mindset.  What if Christ treated me this way?

It requires less of me when I withdraw from those around me.  The people around me may be the hard to love, the difficult to understand or relate to, and it is easier to pretend that they are less deserving of the love I have to share because they have not earned it.  What if God treated me this way?

I risk nothing when I refuse to share myself with another, a person I deem too irresponsible to handle my love.  She just isn't a good listener.  He does not know how to say sorry.  I can't get what I want so what's the point of this relationship.  What if the Lord related to me this way?

God's Word does not instruct that extending love, exhibiting Christ-like nature is easy.  Scripture does reveal: "And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."  My gifts, my faith, all null and void if I do not love.  A lover doesn't hide, does she?  She sees those in pain, those yearning for acceptance and uses love to stir up her gifts and help someone to reach the eyes of the Father and receive true love and acceptance from Him.

My love hoarding is wrapped up in un-forgiveness, the idolization of man, and flat-out disobedience (stubborn will and pride).  Daddy, thank you for your forgiveness and your love.  Thank you for never holding out on me.  Thank you for lavishing love on me, always.  Show me how to love as you love.  Teach me to see others as you see them.  Remove these blinders of fear and unforgiveness.  Diminish my pride and bring forth humility.  Touch the hurt places and fill them with desires for you.  I will go where you go, halt when you say halt, and rest in your arms forever.  I love you. 

A Heart's Return

I was standing in front of the Father with tears running down my face.  "Lord, if this is what it feels like to care then I don't want to anymore.  I don't want this heart.  I don't want it."

I had my heart in my hand.  I was screaming at God.  "Take it from me.  I don't want it."

I felt like damaged goods.  I felt used.  I felt afraid.

"I don't want to feel this pain Lord!"

I did not trust God for anything.  In fact, I believed that he was against me.  It seemed that nothing I prayed for would come to fruition, and that everything I did not want to happen was happening.  To "trick" God, I would pray and meditate on the things I did not want to happen so that maybe the good stuff would happen.  That didn't work.  I successfully transformed my mind into a house of pessimism and lies.  This only added to my pain.

Healing

In September 2011 I attended a deliverance retreat.  The facilitators, an awesome husband and wife team, spoke right into me.  I learned that I was keeping the enemy as a false protector and living in a vortex of darkness.  I learned that I believed that I was a disappointment and a mistake; I believed that I couldn't achieve anything good and that I was destined for rejection.  

The enemy wanted to keep me in that downtrodden place in order to work his plan of destroying me.

The team at the retreat prayed over me.  At the end of one session, a team member wrote, "the thorn came off and you are a brilliant bright rose."  Another team member saw me with a superhero cape on.  That was the start to my healing.


I write in a journal every now and then.  The other night I read past entries and took inventory of the changes in my thinking that have occurred.  My old posts were filled with words like - angry,  overwhelmed, afraid, and disappointed.  Today's posts are filled with hope and words of admiration to and from the Most High.  A post from last year details the day I cried in my cubicle at work and told God that I didn't trust him.  Just last week I was on the phone catching up with a friend and as I gave her an update on my life and family, she remarked, "I can tell you trust God."  

I wish I knew words that could express all the moves of God in my heart today. I wish I could articulate it well.  It's just a feeling, a knowing, a trusting, a renewal, a peace, a comfort, a joy, a new creature-ness, a love that I just can't explain.  But it's so real, and so accessible.  I wish I could bottle it up and give it to everybody all the time. Everyday isn't perfect and some days I am so caught up in myself and my emotions that I miss Him, but he's with me.  He's with me!

When I picture my heart, it's not apart from his.  I sit in his lap, and we're conjoined at the heart.  We beat as one.  He protects it.  He repairs it.  He whispers to it.  I want it.  I receive it.  I love it.

Spiritual Groaning

The great dog trainers (aka some man online and the guy at the pet store) tell me that Pepper must learn how to hold her waste.  I bought her a crate and I put her in it when I am out of the house so she learns to hold it and "go" outside when I come home.  On the weekends, I put her in the crate for a few hours to simulate the time I am away at work.  Well when I am home (outside of the crate) and out of her line of sight when she is in the crate, this girl has a FIT.  She starts crying, and whining, and progresses to barking.  Sometimes I talk to her when she's in there.  I say, "Pepper, you have to learn to pee pee outside.  Stop all that noise."  Pepper looks and then grumbles at me, like an adolescent talking back to her mom!  Sometimes the grumbles turn into groaning.  Her groaning is a mixture of a whimper and a low rumbling bark.  When she starts groaning, I know she's really upset.  (I leave her in the crate though!)

This morning, I was talking to God.  I told him that I am uncomfortable in this "naked" state; this intimacy is making me feel weak and powerless.  I want to say, "Don't look at me Lord. Stop it, stop it." I feel like running away.  At the same time, I hope that he sees me, all of me.  I want Him to cover me, and protect me.  I want to be bare in front of Him.  As I laid with Pepper asleep in the small "crawl space" between my back and the couch, I started groaning.  I don't want to be here, in this place with the idols and false coverings being removed, but at the same time I know I need to be here.  I know I need this place for growth.  I know I need this place in order to live as God intends for me to.

I groaned, I groaned, and I groaned.  My groans were a mixture of sobs and hums rumbling from my chest.  When I was all groaned out, my nose was snotty and my hair flat on one side.  I awoke from the groaning with my heart wide open though.  I began to remember promises that have been spoken over my life; they floated in and out of my thought world.  I began forming fresh ideas related to my future.  I put together a laundry list of things to pray about it.  Groaning broke down my defenses, and also stopped negative thoughts from holding me down.  I know Paul doesn't mention it in Ephesians 6, but groaning just might be a weapon I use in this spiritual battle for my mind, body, and soul.