I had my heart in my hand. I was screaming at God. "Take it from me. I don't want it."
I felt like damaged goods. I felt used. I felt afraid.
"I don't want to feel this pain Lord!"
I did not trust God for anything. In fact, I believed that he was against me. It seemed that nothing I prayed for would come to fruition, and that everything I did not want to happen was happening. To "trick" God, I would pray and meditate on the things I did not want to happen so that maybe the good stuff would happen. That didn't work. I successfully transformed my mind into a house of pessimism and lies. This only added to my pain.
In September 2011 I attended a deliverance retreat. The facilitators, an awesome husband and wife team, spoke right into me. I learned that I was keeping the enemy as a false protector and living in a vortex of darkness. I learned that I believed that I was a disappointment and a mistake; I believed that I couldn't achieve anything good and that I was destined for rejection.
The enemy wanted to keep me in that downtrodden place in order to work his plan of destroying me.
The team at the retreat prayed over me. At the end of one session, a team member wrote, "the thorn came off and you are a brilliant bright rose." Another team member saw me with a superhero cape on. That was the start to my healing.
I write in a journal every now and then. The other night I read past entries and took inventory of the changes in my thinking that have occurred. My old posts were filled with words like - angry, overwhelmed, afraid, and disappointed. Today's posts are filled with hope and words of admiration to and from the Most High. A post from last year details the day I cried in my cubicle at work and told God that I didn't trust him. Just last week I was on the phone catching up with a friend and as I gave her an update on my life and family, she remarked, "I can tell you trust God."
I wish I knew words that could express all the moves of God in my heart today. I wish I could articulate it well. It's just a feeling, a knowing, a trusting, a renewal, a peace, a comfort, a joy, a new creature-ness, a love that I just can't explain. But it's so real, and so accessible. I wish I could bottle it up and give it to everybody all the time. Everyday isn't perfect and some days I am so caught up in myself and my emotions that I miss Him, but he's with me. He's with me!
When I picture my heart, it's not apart from his. I sit in his lap, and we're conjoined at the heart. We beat as one. He protects it. He repairs it. He whispers to it. I want it. I receive it. I love it.