What to Pray?

The International House of Prayer is an all-day, all-night prayer room.  I have been a few times now.  

One night of prayer is etched in my mind.  I was on my knees, in tears.  

I had prayed for everybody and everything I could think of.  The Holy Spirit whispered: Elise, what do you want?

And I couldn't answer.  I had no idea what to pray for myself.

It's been months since then and I still do not know what to pray.

What do I want... what do I want? Last night I wrestled with the question.

I want to be found I said.  Lord, find me.

Is that a prayer? And what does that even mean?

Gah! Lord you've done it again!

Shining

I look back at pictures I took in grad school and cringe.  My appearance was thin and dull. (Blargh.) During that time I had lost intimacy with God.  I was in a dry season and man did it show!

God strategically placed a great counselor in my path while I was finishing up my degree.  I have seen him twice since my move to Atlanta.  Both times he remarked that I look better.  Relatives remark that I look better.  Former classmates and friends have noticed a change in my appearance too.

Last year I noticed that after I would spend some time with God, via quiet time, songs, or prayer, I looked fresher!  Ha! When I look in the mirror post-fellowship, my face has a bit of a shine to it.  What's that all about?

As an undergrad, I did my fair share of DC church hopping.  I visited a small church in Georgetown in 2007.  Here are my notes from that day -

Worried about your appearance?

- people advertise what's in their heart on their face

- people have glowing faces because of the life they lead

- you can see the love of Jesus in their eyes

- you chisel on your face what you harbor in your heart

- we need to spend more time in God's presence if we really care about our appearance (ex. Moses' face shone after he met with God... he wasn't aware that his face was shining [HUMILITY])

- purpose of prayer is to spend time with God so God can do his work in our lives

- mediocre people are often uncomfortable in the face of excellence (Aaron and others were uncomfortable around Moses) - in the presence of excellence, mediocrities seem more exposed

- Luke 9:28-36 Jesus' face and clothes changed

- Shining face = right relationship with God

Natural beauty is not an indicator of good genes or an easy life.  Natural beauty is an indicator of a  heart engulfed by intimacy with the Father.  Intimacy is oftentimes interrupted by spiritual darkness (dark angels aka demons), wounds from our past, idols casting shadows on our hearts, and a host of other items found in the baggage we lug around.  But man, when we allow our Father to cast his light on the dark places in our hearts, it shows up on our faces.  

When I notice I look a mess, I take a spiritual inventory.  Have I spent time with Daddy today (or even this week)?  If not, I get into my makeover mode, and whip out a passage of scripture, shed a few tears, sing a song loud enough to bother my neighbors, and/or share a bit of myself with a godly friend. And then I run straight to the mirror to see a shining reflection of the work my Lord has done in my heart.  And I say thank you. 
 

The Struggle

Evidence of The Struggle:

1) When parents, teachers, and coaches cannot tell you apart from the other African-American females in your cohort.  In fact, they look you in the eye and call you by the name of the girl who is two shades darker, six inches shorter, and about 40 pounds lighter than you.

2) The look you get when you finally reveal that the college you attended in Washington, DC was not Howard University, as assumed, but rather Georgetown University.  [Hoya Blaxa]

3) When your female African-American boss, who holds a doctoral degree and is nearing retirement as a leader in her field, is called "articulate" by a fellow professor.  (Of course she is.  What else would she be???)

4) When you hear that your classmate said "White people are smarter than Latino people."

The struggle.  I see it everyday. It bothers me everyday.  I aim to combat it everyday.

Alas, I opened Oswald Chamber's My Utmost for His Highest devotional today and read - "Paul was devoted to a person not to a cause. He was absolutely Jesus Christ's, he saw nothing else, he lived for nothing else."

I have erected idols. Christ is tearing them down.
Just a year ago, I was crying in my cubicle, telling God that I did not trust him; today, I told him I trusted him.
He is making changes in my heart. 
I war for righteousness, purity, freedom, and love.
How will my combat equipment for the struggle look different after this period of healing?

Things I've Learned Since Turning 25

• I can trust my gut.
• I have the best girlfriends!
• I don't believe in stockings.
• I am more like my mother than I would  like to admit.
• That quarter-life crisis between the ages of 22 and 24 was a waste of time.  God's got me!
• My purpose in life is much bigger than my college major and current job.
• I need mental health days.
• Fast food does not do a body good. Not.at.all.
• I can learn to "speak" man.  They are not wired the same as me and that's okay.  Instead of frustrating myself trying to get him to understand my language, I'll just continue to learn to speak his!
• Flirting is fun. #teamsingle
• I am beautiful.  Because God said so. 
• I really like my body.  Jiggly parts and all.
• Also, my body really likes exercise.
• It's okay to accept a compliment.
• Periods will always suck. (Bloating is real ladies.  Bloating.is.real.)
• I look better in black jeans.
• My friends will give me good advice if I let them.
• It's okay to say "I don't know".
• It's okay to ask for help.
• My family will still love me even if I make a mistake.
• I can forgive.
• I can be forgiven.
• I desire to equip and empower.
• God is the best lover this girl could ever have. 
• I can't wait to be intimate with my husband.  Can't.wait.
• Submission and surrender are not bad words.
• I can be happy even without all the things I (think I) need and want.
• Sometimes the answered prayer does not look the way I thought it would.
• I love my hair.  And I think it knows it. 

One Word for 2013

Ok ok... so apparently this one word for the year is a thing!  I didn't know other people received a word to guide each year too!  I have been getting words since college.


Past:  It's my senior year of college. I am in a strategic planning course and the instructor writes "dream" on the board.  As soon as she did, I got that "Holy Ghost shudder" in my bones.  At the end of the course she told everyone to pick a stone out of a bag; the stone would have a word on it that the "universe" wanted us to hear.  I reached into the bag and pulled out a stone with the word DREAM  on it!  Ha! That was my word for the year. (I still have my stone by the way.)

Present:  I have two words.  (Yes, I am a rebel.  Couldn't you tell by the fro and fist?) My two words are RESTORATION and HONOR.  (Don't you love when the Holy Spirit whispers words to you that you have no clue about lol.)  I believe that God is going to show me more about restoration by allowing me to understand what was restored by Christ's crucifixion.  I am on this love kick, so I am hoping to see the relationship between love and honor this year.  I'll keep you posted!

One Word Lesson:  So, I have found that my words do not expire at the end of the year.  Nope. In fact, they build into the next word and the next.  DREAM flowed into DEEPER, and I still aim to find evidence of these guiding words in my present. Keep a running list! 

Mediocrity

I was leaving my apartment complex the other morning and a Bentley rolled by me and parked in a space.  I looked around and noticed that many of the parked cars were luxury in nature.  I am talking Beemers, Benzes, and even some spiffy Nissan Maximas lol.  Wait, do I live here?


The apartment I had before this one was in North Carolina.  I paid $489/month in rent.  It was bare. It was cold.  It sucked.  I have upgraded... substantially.  And it suits me (and my 13 year old car). Oh, you fancy huh?

My mother picked this place out.  She says that if she hadn't come with me to apartment hunt, I would probably be living in a cardboard box.  Girl, why are you so cheap?

Before I let God in to reconstruct my core, I settled for less.  I did not take the time to enjoy even the little things I was fortunate enough to have access to.  In my mind, mediocrity was less fussy and frankly, it was easy to hide behind.  My first old jalopy, less than quality clothes, and even shallow dreams and aspirations was all I thought I needed, wanted, and could have.  So post-surrender, God changed your lens?

Let me stop here and emphasize that this post is not about having expensive things. (Oh, I am still frugal. Very much so.)  This is about an expansion in my thinking.  You see, my default mental setting for meeting with God is on the beach.  I close my eyes and imagine sitting on the beach in a white sun dress waiting for Jesus to meet me there.  (If I'm in a crotchety mood, it's most likely a cloudy day.)  The other day God told me to meet him somewhere else.  But I thought you really liked the beach?

I ended up in the most beautiful garden!  I didn't know that I could even picture such a place. The plants all had a glow to them.  The colors were vibrant.  I could tell the land was fertile.  The tree leaves were so big that I actually sat on one; it was my hammock.  Didn't they have something like that in Avatar?

I am reminded of the book "The Shack".  I remember the protagonist meeting with the Holy Spirit.  The Holy Spirit used his tears to water a garden. God, you took my tears and created this???

I look forward to retreating to my garden.  I think there'll be something new there everyday for me to hear, see, touch, taste, and smell.  I can't wait! And there's more abundance and vibrancy available on this side of heaven for me too right??  Right.


Revelation 3:18-21