If you ask me to picture a rebel, my imagination will immediately conjure up an image of a leather-clad biker chick who drinks and smokes without abandon. This "rebel" doesn't care about the rules and will never obey the law. This rebel cruises through the city on a motorcycle, tagging walls with her signature. Rebellion - a disrespect for authority - is her fortay.
I'd never picture myself as one.
That was until I had an encounter with the Lord during my recent fast.
I sat at my kitchen table, ready to begin focused meditation. I started to pray and felt compelled to ask for forgiveness. Typically, my requests for forgiveness go something like this - "Lord, I am sorry for gossiping at work. But you know those people are just... ughhhh... just ridiculous. But you know, I'm sorry because it's not nice."
Well this time, the Holy Spirit led me to an authentic request for cleanliness. I cried, "Lord, I'm sorry for wanting my way all the time. I live my life with my purposes as the lead, rarely clinging to your truth or your Word as a guide. I do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I consider your will and your way only as an after-thought. I am sorry for glorifying myself through my living. I want to glorify you. Forgive me for my rebellion."
See you have to understand that by all accounts I was (and still am) a "good" girl. I didn't give my parents too much trouble - in terms of sneaking out and such. I always took care of my responsibilities. And even today, I don't ask for help much because I've got it under control. (Note: I actually don't have it under control.) My parents allowed me to be free to learn, grown, and explore. My life experiences allowed my independence to flourish; I went to boarding school at 14... hello! I've created opportunities for myself. I issued myself a license to do my own thing and that feels a-ok to my flesh.
But God... hmph. But God relentlessly pursues me. He pursues my heart and wants to lavish love on me. How can he direct my steps and lead me as my Provider if I continue to follow my own way? I am sorry for my rebellion.
By my confession, I believe I've started a spiritual process of activating new levels of faith in my life. And now God has room to surprise me with his good and perfect gifts. I can't wait to see what He has in store for my future. It must be better than anything I could've come up with on my own.
