Currency

All this time, God has been doing something in me… and I’ve missed it. 

While attending a conference, I had an epiphany.   The speaker echoed – “The key to effective learning is unlearning.  We unlearn in order to mature. We’re maturing so God can trust us with something.”

                                                                

God does want to trust me with something, but before He can, I have to learn that He is more concerned with my placement in Him, than in my performance.

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I’ve been more concerned with what I am producing externally – that is, all the products, achievements, and accolades. 

I grew up in Brooklyn, NY. Not only was I a smart-alecky kid, I was also a smart kid.  I learned very early on how to perform.  I learned how to demonstrate academic success.  I followed directions well and earned praise from the adults in my life.  I knew how to meet and exceed expectations from friends, family members, and teachers.

I received love through the filter of striving and work. I tied my value to my performance.

In recent months, the Lord has asked me to let the weight of performance, expectation, and achievement fall away.

At the conference, God whispered, “You are not a disappointment.  You are loved beyond the limits of performance.  I love you so much that I want to put an end to your performance mindset.”

For every achievement that I thought I had attained by my own performance and for my own good, God was (and is) using to cultivate kingdom-like character so that I can impart kingdom-like influence in the places he wants to take me.  At my New England boarding school, He was cultivating competence, confidence, character, and authenticity.  In college, He taught me how to become a global citizen in service to all people.  My graduate education kindled a passion for equity in the quality of life among all people.  My current work experience has cemented leadership qualities in me but has also uncovered areas of rebellion that have inhibited my influence.  My volunteer experience has shaped my proclivity to engage with people who don’t think or look like me, a critical character criterion for demonstrating God’s love toward all people.

It’s not about me.

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Recently, I’ve found myself frustrated with coworkers and leaders at work.  I have been sowing judgments about their talents and motivations.  I am performing but not advancing as I’d like.  I’ve responded with rebellion – just like a dissatisfied Israelite.  The Lord showed me that work has been my false religion.  I’ve built an altar to myself in the workplace.  My recent frustrations stem from the fact that my leaders are not equipped to be gods.  I’ve elevated them to that place but they’re only humans.  They are poor representatives of the loving, kind God-head that I long to serve and be loved by.

I’d like to make an exchange.  I want to exchange my old mindset – the one that tells me to worship work and performance – with a new one.  My upgraded mindset will direct me to “worship the Lord my God and serve only Him.”

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At the end of the conference, God told me: “Apart from anything you’ve done, you’re a daughter.  My daughter. And in the place where we meet, performance and striving have no value.  LOVE IS THE ONLY CURRENCY I KNOW.”

Ephesians 3:18-19 –

And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.  Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

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This past weekend, a teenager shared a vision with me.  She said that she saw me as an eagle, soaring.  She said that I was being freed from something.  She was right.  I am being freed from the destructive lie that I must earn love through my performance.  Thank you Lord for loving me enough to set me free!  Thank you Lord for cultivating character in me for kingdom purposes.  Thank you Lord for loving me without an agenda but completely on purpose.  Thank you Lord for allowing me to be in your love.  How excellent is the Lord!