Numb

I experienced several health challenges over the summer, including a rash that prevented deep sleep. I sought cures from Western, Eastern, and West-African practitioners. (And those West-African practitioners are my in-laws lol!)

Midway through my acupuncture treatment, I noticed I could "feel" more on my skin. My nerve endings were awake. It was then I realized they must have been previously dulled.

The realization provoked me to examine other dull places in my life. I landed on relationships, and the following theme emerged. 

I grow numb after my boundaries are consistently violated.

I can continue to play a role in the relationship afterwards but I am NUMB. Shut.down.

Personal maturity requires that I boldly communicate my boundaries, the violations, and my expectations for next steps if the relationship continues. Personal maturity also requires that I LISTEN, actively, intently, to the other person to uncover their underlying values and motivations.

And then I can make a choice... to walk away from an inauthentic relationship, to remain numb in the hopes of trying re-engagement again, or to delve deeper into relational fulfillment that benefits both parties.

Investment

You don't have to be in relationship with something for very long before realizing there are different measures and expectations of investment. 

My nation, the U.S., defines investment as a monetary infusion into a sector. In my marriage, quality time is a prized investment. My houseplant - which recently met its demise - required water, light, plant food, and encouraging words.

Likewise, my investments into my relationship with God take on many forms. During the world's current tumult, I sense Him asking for an investment of active listening. 

The Lord's always sharing something with us. In response, we interpret based on our past experience or knowledge. And today, he wants to share something fresh. When we are experiencing something new - a hardship or joy -, or perceiving something "strange", we have permission to ask why. We can seek out God's motivations to deepen both our understanding of and relationship with Him.

Envy

I experience prosperity as the outward lived experience of the changes, upgrades, learnings occurring inwardly as a result of my communion with God. 

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of other people's prosperity --- and a fiery feeling of unworthiness, i.e. envy, rises up.

I experience envy when I sense that I'm operating at less than my own full capacity. Feelings of envy serve as prompts for self examination. 

I write down my thoughts; thoughts that don't align with my experience or knowledge of God as a good and loving Father are dismissed. I challenge myself to dream, pray, and action plan. And I reduce my social media consumption and challenge myself to look at God with a thankfulness list, a nature walk, or the like. 

My human experience of envy doesn't embarrass me... I know it's a part of the practice of Christianity and my journey towards ultimate communion with Him. 

Avoidance

Ava cut her hand at work. Despite the application of two band-aids, the cut bled hours after the initial slice.

We, her big sisters, prodded her to visit urgent care. 

Once she arrived and learned she would need her supervisor to attest to the incident, she left the center. By her testimony, she avoids anything perceived as an inconvenience or that would require a confrontation. (I've seen this on full display when she refuses to correct a food order that doesn't conform to her vegan diet.)

We prodded her again. 

She returned to urgent care and started the care process. 

Small embedded glass shards kept the wound bleeding.

Avoiding care prevented healing.

Which wounds are you avoiding? They're still bleeding. Pursue healing.

Busy Isn't Brave

A phrase bubbled up during morning meditation. Busy isn't brave.

I googled it. Authors instruct readers to be less busy; instead, be perceived as accessible to those you lead.

My schedule of activities prevents me from dreaming, perceiving, and listening. When busy, I don't feel well. Even natural bodily sensations, like foot tickles during a pedicure, escape me.

Busy makes me numb. I hide in busy.

I desire to be present, aware, and accessible to God's leading.

Yes, I use strategies to combat busy. I carve out time for sleep and morning walks. But what truly slows me down - limits my desire to be full of activities - is going to God first. And we talk. He tells me he loves me. I tell him I'm tired. He reminds me of my purpose. I remind him that truly living it seems out of reach. He shares that I go in His name, with His power. I say "Oh yeah! I forgot about that".

Busy dissolves into purpose-driven action engulfed in God's strength. And it's the most courageous place I experience.