Caught Up

I try to do everything perfectly.  That's right, I am a perfectionist.

I recall my mother telling me that when I was younger and made an error on a homework assignment, I would tear the whole thing up and start all over again.

Yes, I am was that bad.

Today I find myself caught up in the same drive for perfection.  I want to be the perfect daughter, perfect worshipper, perfect girlfriend, perfect sister, perfect employee, neighbor, dog owner, etc.  I grow disheartened when I am forced to face correction, and even more so when it means that I have made a lasting mistake.

I fear disappointment.  I fear being a disappointment to others. (Remember that lie I carry around.)

But as I focus on the perfect outcome, I lose perspective.  My efforts don't approach glorifying God.  Instead I try to control everything in my own power.  I take the place of God.  I don't trust that He'll do it right, or that He'll forgive me when I mess up. Nope.  I want to avoid the whole mess of error and correction. But if I do that, I am stagnant.

Every parent knows that if a child is left up to his or her own devices, he or she would be a feral creature.  Parenting requires exercising discipline to ensure children develop into functioning adults.  Well, the same with my heavenly Father I'm finding.  I make mistakes and his gentle, guiding hand disciplines me.  I do not have to fear that.  It means he loves me! And considers me His own.

So, I can chill.  And live life - full of the risks described by poet William Arthur Ward.  God is with me.  He is with me.

Warrior

Genesis 32: 24-30 (KJV)

²⁴ And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
²⁵ And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.
²⁶ And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.
²⁷ And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.
²⁸ And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.
²⁹ And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.
³⁰ And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.

These past three weeks I have been feeling a little dry.  It's not just the circumstances I described in "A Country Music Week".  I have felt a lack of connection with God's Word, and a lack of clarity regarding next steps.  What do I pray for Lord?  What should I be doing?  

I attended a prophetic service last night.  I sat back as just another observer.  But as I soaked in that atmosphere, I began to pick up timely words from the Lord.  As the leaders were calling out people in the audience to give messages to, I was writing down what God highlighted for me.  

Here's one: "After wrestling with God, Jacob came out with a different name."

A different name. 

 

These dry weeks remind me of the brutal 22 months of (spiritual) fatigue, loneliness, regret, and confusion I experienced in graduate school.  "What am I doing here Lord?"  I spent many days and nights feeling like my prayers were falling on deaf ears.  "Where are you Lord?"

Two and half years later, I'm now able to look back at those circumstances and view that time as a welcome season of character development from the Lord.  I wrestled with the Lord then.  And now, my new name is Warrior.

I can be described as reserved.  But with this new name, I have a fiery desire to stand firm for the things of the Lord - battling false teaching, principalities, and mountains of sin and strongholds along the way.  

In this current dry period, I am tempted to run back to "reserved" status.  It's easier to be walled up in survival mode than to face battle (and possible defeat).  But wait, I'm on the winning side!  He has equipped me to war for righteousness and peace.  And that's exactly what I am going to do.  I am going to boldly pray for restoration in my relationships, and for divine intervention in my natural circumstances.  I will humble myself in his presence for the refreshing that I need.  I am going to step out in business opportunities, share my dreams, and seek his heart for me.  Protecting my peace is on my priority list, and so is preparing my heart for worship and thanksgiving always.  I will suit up with spiritual armor daily.  This is no longer a year off - from dating or otherwise - but a year on in pursuit of Christ's heart and the manifestation of the Kingdom here on earth.

This Warrior chants "restoration" and "honor".  

Let faith arise in this heart oh Lord.  Have your way.

A Country Music Week

At a job training, our emotional intelligence facilitator told us that there would be points in our lives when we have a "country music year".  This year is characterized by hardships - your dog dies, your spouse leaves, your favorite car breaks down, etc.

Well I have had a country music week.

My grandmother was brain dead last Monday.  My maternal grandmother was also hospitalized due to kidney failure.  My car indeed broke down.  And now, as a federal employee, I  have been furloughed.  Even with successes - my brain dead grandmother is now in recovery and I have a new ride - there's still all the emotional and financial calamity to wrestle with.

Well how do I cope during a country music week?

I withdraw.  I did not shed one tear when I heard about my grandmother's near-passing or when I realized that my saving would have to be put on hold to pay for a car.  Recently, I have turned inward, scowling at God, and thinking to myself - now what?  What else?  What disappointment is next?

I told a friend about all that was going on.  He said to take things one day at a time and that everything would be alright.  My reply: "I don't know."  His response: "Don't say that. God is good!  Everything He does is good.  Don't ever doubt."

Good word indeed.  How do I believe it?  It's so easy to believe it for everyone else.  How do I believe God for victory in my and my family's circumstances?

I opened up my browser today and came across a scripture that marks a good place to start.

Luke 5:16 - But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

I can start simply. With prayer.  In this place of cynicism, unbelief, and withdrawal, I can go to God and air my concerns.  In return I get to sit in presence and receive peace.  I receive the hope and patience I need to stand and stand strong. 

So cheers to a country music week.  I have prayer to get me through.  Can somebody pour me a drink too?  :)