Friday, December 30, 2016

Targeting Peace

Two principles have guided my understanding and experience of peace: follow it and protect it. Peace, the feeling of contentment and wholeness, is a byproduct of encounter with the Holy Spirit.  My job then is to identify it, settle into it, and let it lead me into a new encounter or experience with God and his provision. 

Upon reading "Four Things Women Want From A Man", I've added to my understanding of peace.  The author of the guide, Dr. A.R. Bernard - one of my favorite teachers -, notes that we experience peace when our values line up with our actions. For example, the humanitarian is most satisfied (i.e. content and whole) when engaged in community service because it aligns with her value of "Service to Others".

The teaching in the book led me to realize that we battle people by attacking their activities, when in fact we're up against what we perceive to be an erroneous value system (i.e. values that differ from our personal or cultural standards). People who appear to be in error may express little remorse or are resistant to change certain behaviors because the behaviors align with values they hold near. For example, the man who rejects advances from a beautiful and kind woman in favor of staying with and providing for his bitter wife may do so because he values Duty above Delight.


Earlier this week, I conducted some introspective exercises in order to pull out my personal values.  I asked myself, "when have you been the most content, satisfied, and happy?"  My first jolt came from identifying the fact that I am most content when I am free.  My most prized value is Freedom.  The other values I hold near are Excellence, Diplomacy, Equity/Justice, Legacy, Diversity, Integrity/Honor, Peace, Hope, and Risk. I mapped these values with my current activities, future goals, and long-standing dreams.  

As I contemplated and mulled, I found that there were a few more values that were poking through my current life experience.  These values and associated activities don't currently bring any peace but are areas in my life where I'd like to grow.  I identified Thankfulness, Intimacy, Obedience, Health, and Fidelity as areas for further enlightenment and improvement. Currently, Obedience bucks up against my value for Freedom - hence all the (unrighteous) rebellion I've exhibited recently.  

I asked God why couldn't I just abandon Obedience in favor of Freedom, and He said it's because I'm being conformed into the image of His son. The conformity requires an understanding of and alignment with the values of the Kingdom including Holy Obedience unto God and His leading.  

In 2017, I aim to target and cultivate peace in my life by 1) marking my days with activities and meditation that aligns with my values and 2) chasing the uncomfortable areas - those values that currently bring no peace and still need development - until I come to a full understanding of the importance of those values for my life and relationships today, my purpose tomorrow, and God's Kingdom always.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Currency

All this time, God has been doing something in me… and I’ve missed it. 

While attending a conference, I had an epiphany.   The speaker echoed – “The key to effective learning is unlearning.  We unlearn in order to mature. We’re maturing so God can trust us with something.”
                                                                
God does want to trust me with something, but before He can, I have to learn that He is more concerned with my placement in Him, than in my performance.



I’ve been more concerned with what I am producing externally – that is, all the products, achievements, and accolades. 

I grew up in Brooklyn, NY. Not only was I a smart-alecky kid, I was also a smart kid.  I learned very early on how to perform.  I learned how to demonstrate academic success.  I followed directions well and earned praise from the adults in my life.  I knew how to meet and exceed expectations from friends, family members, and teachers.

I received love through the filter of striving and work. I tied my value to my performance.


At the conference, God whispered, “You are not a disappointment.  You are loved beyond the limits of performance.  I love you so much that I want to put an end to your performance mindset.”

For every achievement that I thought I had attained by my own performance and for my own good, God was (and is) using to cultivate kingdom-like character so that I can impart kingdom-like influence in the places he wants to take me.  At my New England boarding school, He was cultivating competence, confidence, character, and authenticity.  In college, He taught me how to become a global citizen in service to all people.  My graduate education kindled a passion for equity in the quality of life among all people.  My current work experience has cemented leadership qualities in me but has also uncovered areas of rebellion that have inhibited my influence.  My volunteer experience has shaped my proclivity to engage with people who don’t think or look like me, a critical character criterion for demonstrating God’s love toward all people.

It’s not about me.


Recently, I’ve found myself frustrated with coworkers and leaders at work.  I have been sowing judgments about their talents and motivations.  I am performing but not advancing as I’d like.  I’ve responded with rebellion – just like a dissatisfied Israelite.  The Lord showed me that work has been my false religion.  I’ve built an altar to myself in the workplace.  My recent frustrations stem from the fact that my leaders are not equipped to be gods.  I’ve elevated them to that place but they’re only humans.  They are poor representatives of the loving, kind God-head that I long to serve and be loved by.

I’d like to make an exchange.  I want to exchange my old mindset – the one that tells me to worship work and performance – with a new one.  My upgraded mindset will direct me to “worship the Lord my God and serve only Him.”


At the end of the conference, God told me: “Apart from anything you’ve done, you’re a daughter.  My daughter. And in the place where we meet, performance and striving have no value.  LOVE IS THE ONLY CURRENCY I KNOW.

Ephesians 3:18-19 –
And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.  May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully.  Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.


This past weekend, a teenager shared a vision with me.  She said that she saw me as an eagle, soaring.  She said that I was being freed from something.  She was right.  I am being freed from the destructive lie that I must earn love through my performance.  Thank you Lord for loving me enough to set me free!  Thank you Lord for cultivating character in me for kingdom purposes.  Thank you Lord for loving me without an agenda but completely on purpose.  Thank you Lord for allowing me to be in your love.  How excellent is the Lord!




Not Forgotten

I stood in the bathroom mirror and cried this morning.  I didn't cry because of my nation's election results.  I didn't cry because I wanted God to fix a situation in my life.  I cried because I lost a friend. She passed away on Saturday. This morning as I prayed for comfort for her friends and family, I realized that I was friend to her and that the prayer was for me as well.  She's gone, but not forgotten. 

Image result for trina dennis

Trina I will miss your humor, transparency, authenticity, and advice. It amazed me how full of life you were.  Thank you for showering us all with your love.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Flying

On the way to my destination, I boarded a new plane complete with spacious seats, screens in every headrest, and a sophisticated reading light configuration. 

Unfortunately, on my return flight, I couldn't watch Black-ish. There were no screens! I said to myself, "This plane is ridiculously old". Then I remembered that if the plane was still in service, then it still worked. A voice told me, "This plane is tried and tested, and true!" 



As made obvious by the fact that I am typing these words - I made it home safely. The plane was old but it got the job done. The plane was likely familiar with the route and turbulence. The plane could hold the weight of people and cargo. The plane knew how to respond to the demand for a speedy flight. And it performed well! The same is true for me, I guess. Each new leg of life's journey provides an opportunity to grow more familiar with divine principles of trust, faith, and peace. I also learn how to apply God's truth and wisdom to circumstances that arise. I imagine that in the end the Lord will say, "You were tested and tried, but you remained true. Well done!"

Sunday, September 11, 2016

More on Rebellion

"Watch the kind of people God brings around you, and you will be humiliated to find that this is His way of revealing to you the kind of person you have been to Him."
- Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest Devotional, September 11th entry

I laughed out loud upon reading this line in my morning devotional.

You see, for about four years now I've been under the leadership of very rebellious bosses.  These bosses hate the "establishment", don't like the rules and refuse to follow them, and boast about their indifference to protocols.

I bemoaned having to submit to them. After work, I couldn't wait to tell my mom or best friend about how my boss yelled at another person, or told me to skirt around an established practice, or refused to listen to my ideas because she wanted to go her own way.

After a bout of examination, I realized that I had been exhibiting rebellion toward these leaders by not adding their suggested edits to documents and not performing tasks in a timely manner because I simply did not want to fulfill them.  I also had a bad case of gossip.

The Holy Spirit told me that if I did not learn to honor these leaders, that I would end up exhibiting exactly the rebellious leadership that I hated.

Ouch!

After a week of wrestling, I approached my most recent boss and apologized for my rebellious ways.  She was completely unaware of my subversive behaviors and remarked that she appreciated my willingness to bring the behaviors to light.  I have committed to honoring her leadership through my work.  I have committed to honoring God through my work.  


The act of repenting from rebellion has started a loosening process.  When I repented, I told rebellion, "no, you can't stay here!"  The Holy Spirit has been guiding me - checking my behaviors and motivations - and bringing all rebellion to the light so that it can be touched by God's truth.  Whether I like it or not, those leaders were placed in their roles - like Saul in David's time - and my response is to follow their lead, within reason, until God directs me otherwise.  

God's process is always tough.  Pray for me. Ha!

Saturday, August 27, 2016

The Truth about Comparison

The truth about comparison is that it is girded by the lie that "God is holding out on me".

I feel transition in the air.  The presidential election is approaching. We held a retirement celebration for my boss a few days ago. Friends are making firm career decisions.

And for the first time in a long time, I feel as though I'm just here... floating along.  Nothing new or exciting has captured me.  I haven't embarked on a new adventure or tackled a new problem. Same 'ole, same 'ole  And with every note of new news from a friend or colleague, I'm tempted to compare.  Maybe if I had followed that academic track, joined that sorority, invested in that business, moved to that city, then maybe... just maybe... I would be experiencing the same upgrades, promotions, and advancements as that friend, sibling, or co-worker.

Why would a Good Father withhold good things from me?  The truth is He wouldn't. He doesn't.

Psalm 84:11 (AMP) reads, "For the Lord God is a sun and shield; The Lord bestows grace and favor and honor; No good thing will he withhold from those who walk uprightly." 

Jesus said that if we took hold of the Word, then it would set us free.  I don't want to be hooked by this creepy crawler called comparison.  By faith, I will accept the truth that he will not withhold good things from me as I pursue him.

Unfortunately, I remain so invested in my career and my independence.  A few months ago, the Lord asked me to let the weight of performance, achievement, and expectation fall away.  My mind tells me that if I haven't received the same upgrades as everyone else then I haven't performed well enough to achieve upgrades aligned with my (self-motivated) expectations.  And don't even get me started on where my mind goes when contemplating the expectations that family and friends have for me.

So what now? God whispered that I am exactly where he wants me to be... floating along. In this place without knowledge of where to go next, I have no choice but to encounter God.  I sat in church last week and cried my eyes out singing "Good Good Father".  He wants me to sit here and learn more about his upright nature and kind intentions.



The promotions and advancements I'm due for in this season are not earthly.  I can't even make it through a work day without feeling several tugs from God.  He's shifting my perspective on relationships, money, purpose, and most importantly what it means to be loved by Him.  I'm receiving an upgraded mindset, one large enough to contain and wisely steward the joy, energy, health, and love he intends to pour out.  That's certainly not consistent with a stingy God.  He is a Good Good Father.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Rebellion

If you ask me to picture a rebel, my imagination will immediately conjure up an image of a leather-clad biker chick who drinks and smokes without abandon.  This "rebel" doesn't care about the rules and will never obey the law.  This rebel cruises through the city on a motorcycle, tagging walls with her signature.  Rebellion - a disrespect for authority - is her fortay. 
I'd never picture myself as one.

That was until I had an encounter with the Lord during my recent fast. 

I sat at my kitchen table, ready to begin focused meditation.  I started to pray and felt compelled to ask for forgiveness.  Typically, my requests for forgiveness go something like this - "Lord, I am sorry for gossiping at work.  But you know those people are just... ughhhh... just ridiculous.  But you know, I'm sorry because it's not nice." 

Well this time, the Holy Spirit led me to an authentic request for cleanliness.  I cried, "Lord, I'm sorry for wanting my way all the time.  I live my life with my purposes as the lead, rarely clinging to your truth or your Word as a guide.  I do what I want to do, when I want to do it.  I consider your will and your way only as an after-thought.  I am sorry for glorifying myself through my living.  I want to glorify you.  Forgive me for my rebellion."

See you have to understand that by all accounts I was (and still am) a "good" girl.  I didn't give my parents too much trouble - in terms of sneaking out and such.  I always took care of my responsibilities.  And even today, I don't ask for help much because I've got it under control. (Note: I actually don't have it under control.)  My parents allowed me to be free to learn, grown, and explore.  My life experiences allowed my independence to flourish; I went to boarding school at 14... hello!  I've created opportunities for myself. I issued myself a license to do my own thing and that feels a-ok to my flesh.

But God... hmph. But God relentlessly pursues me.  He pursues my heart and wants to lavish love on me.  How can he direct my steps and lead me as my Provider if I continue to follow my own way? I am sorry for my rebellion. 

By my confession, I believe I've started a spiritual process of activating new levels of faith in my life. And now God has room to surprise me with his good and perfect gifts.  I can't wait to see what He has in store for my future.  It must be better than anything I could've come up with on my own.  

Insecurity

Captured from a Facebook Post by Kris Vallotton, leader at Bethel Church in Redding, CA. For more from Kris, check out his book The Supernatural Ways of Royalty.  Oh!  He also has a blog.


Wednesday, January 27, 2016

"Chasing After You" / "Everything"

#tbt



To Err is Human

I'd say that about every fourth activity I perform is characterized by an error.  Sometimes it's a driving error - like the time I made a left into the lane for oncoming traffic.   Sometimes it's an error at work - like when I mistakenly allowed a lobbyist to use a government computer.  Sometimes it's in the choices I make with money.  And other times, it's in my interactions with people, offending some and showing too little concern for others.  

I am a human being.

In each instance, I pray that any other party involved will demonstrate leniency.  "Officer, I promise I won't conduct that illegal U-turn again.  I'm sorry!!!"

But surprisingly, when it comes to those who've made mistakes that have affected me, I'm less likely to dole out any passes.



I returned home for the Christmas holiday, and after four years at my current place of employment, I'd finally earned enough paid time off for a true extended break. 

Even though I visited my family, I hardly had time to relax.  My sisters and I joke that I am the family pastor, physician, chef, babysitter, maid, chauffeur, mediator, among other titles.  I wear my hats proudly but unfortunately I'm not superwoman.  I'm certain the transition back to my many roles contributed to the painful headache I succumbed to a couple days after Christmas.

I managed to have the house to myself for much needed recovery when my dad and sisters visited other family members in town.  I took the dogs outside to the backyard and rocked back and forth in a patio chair.  The warm winter air held a perfect measure of humidity, and the moments without my name called from various parts of the house felt heavenly.

As I rocked, I scanned the expanse of the house.  I noticed the windows to the hallway bathroom.  I envisioned what the house and land would look like with additions, like a playroom to host the children of relatives who visit.  In that visioning space, I had an encounter.   The Lord told me that grace was covering the house.  Huh?


The voice of the Lord resonated a little more deeply the next time I heard that there was grace covering the house.  The Lord told me that there was grace for forgiveness available and immediately I knew what I had to.

I made a point to release my parents from any offenses I felt had been committed against me.  I've done this before but this time was especially keen.  After saying "I forgive", I no longer felt a compulsion for my parents to perform any activity to right any wrongs.  I am certain that by this act, I have moved myself out of the way for the Holy Spirit to impact their lives.  The unforgiveness I held fueled judgments and condemnation, serving as a hindrance to their freedom.  I look forward to a year full of restoration and honor. 

Saturday, January 23, 2016

Unravel | "Let it Happen"

This experience with God is the only time in my life when I've felt an unraveling and a knitting together at the same time.  He is a good Daddy!


Monday, January 18, 2016

In Service

On my return train ride from downtown Atlanta, after enjoying a basketball game with a friend, I encountered God.


Photographer: Daniel Roizer.  Photo retrieved from https://unsplash.com/.

I first noticed the young man about five stops into my trip.  He sat on the floor near the train car doors in an upward fetal position.  Throughout the ride his face remained buried in the palms of his hands.  Clearly, he was burdened.

The clothes he wore were gray and dingy.  He did not wear a coat.  His sandals revealed dry and cracking skin on his feet.  The temperature in Atlanta tonight is below freezing (32 degrees Fahrenheit).

Nestled in front of him was a shallow pillowcase that held his belongings.  As I took inventory of the man, his appearance, and his worldly possessions, I also took notice of his extreme desperation.   And suddenly, I was moved with compassion not only for this gentleman but also for the working mother returning home after a late shift who sat a couple rows down from me, and also for the young man suffering with a mental illness.

I said to myself, "Lord, if I had the money I would hand everyone on this train $1,000 each to help them toward their goals." And as swiftly as He always seems to respond, I heard Him say, "Why don't you start with what you've got."

I had $20 in my pocket.  My friend who attended the basketball game with me had paid me back in cash.  As I neared my final destination, I mustered up a little more courage after each train stop.  With about 45 seconds left until the train arrived at my station, I gently tapped the man on his shoulder.  As he lifted his head toward me, I slid the cash into his hand.  He said, "Thank you ma'am."  With about 30 seconds left until the end of my ride, I stood facing the train doors with my back towards the gentleman.  I heard him say, "Oh, wow!"  And then he yelled, "I mean it..."  I turned and looked at his teary eyes.  He said, "... from the bottom of my heart - thank you."  I replied, "No problem", and departed the train.

If I had more, I would have given it to him.

For the first time in a long time I didn't give out of guilt, but out of compassion.  I gave and I didn't really care what the man would do with the money.  I gave because the Holy Spirit filled me with a measure of brotherly love for him.  I pray that no matter the amount or mode - that is time, talent, or treasure - that I will give when my only compulsion is to exhibit Christ here on earth.