Overcomer

I heard about the rice experiement.  The "researcher" places rice, from the same bag or what have you, in two jars.  The rice is stored for a set amount of time, let's say a few weeks.  One rice jar is continuously told, "You are good rice.  You are valuable".  The other jar is told, "You are bad rice."  After a few weeks, the rice jars are examined. The "good rice" is thriving.  The "bad rice" is moldy and only fit for disposal. 

Well I was having a "bad rice" moment a few days ago.  I was stuck in one of those mental ruts again.  I was like, "I am not going to make it through these feelings."  And then I heard something.  I knew it was Him.  With this newfound intimacy with Him, I can recognize his voice.  He said, "You're an overcomer."

And that was it.  That was all I needed to hear.  I looked up and said, "Oh yeah.  That's right.  I'm an overcomer. This is temporary.  I am going to make it.  I am going to make it through debt, and feelings of regret.  I'm an overcomer."

He wants to see me thrive.  I forget that sometimes.  Thanks for the reminder Papa God!

Watching Her Grow

Pepper Jane Lockamy, my little honey bunches of oats, has learned how to jump up on the couch without any assistance. Yes, she is now tall enough to disturb my naps when she wants some snuggle time.

And I am so proud! 

It has been an absolute delight to watch her grow.  Once a month I find myself loosening her collar so that it's not too tight around her neck.  Soon, I'll be enlarging her crate so she has more room to stretch.

After observing this latest couch feat, I got to thinking, "Is the Father as delighted to watch me grow?"

In my walk, I sometimes come to these places where I get frustrated with God.  "Lord, what's up with this process?" "Why wont you just give me everything now so I don't have to deal with all of this?"

I am learning that it's in the trials and perseverance that I 1) grow closer to him, 2) develop better relationships with those around me (since I can't do everything myself), and 3) find out that I have these wonderful gifts and talents within me.

I like to imagine that as I step out in faith, make myself vulnerable, and allow his love to fill me, that he's watching, saying, "That's my girl! I am so proud!"

Not It

My 15 year old sister is with me for a few weeks.  My television has been taken hostage, and I now know a few Justin Bieber songs.  Yes, "Catching Feelings" is one of my favs now.  In her enthusiasm, she decided to write letters home to friends and family.  In her letter to our mother she remarked that I, in my job, "do a lot for the community - especially low-income people."

I love my job.  I would not want be doing anything else at this stage in my life.

But, as I sat in my cubicle some weeks ago I thought to myself, "This is not it."

In college, the mini-sermons we received usually revolved around finding your purpose.  We all just knew that our purpose was tied to our college coursework, so we stressed and complained until we found a major that was the best fit.  And those of those with ministry interest just knew that the only way to truly serve God was to join the divine order - go to divinity school and become a pastor.

Ha!

In graduate school, as I neared death from burn out, I was encouraged to apply to PhD programs.  I tried to.  I, in a cubicle, cried as I began applications at five prominent programs.  I never finished those applications.  I only started them because I heard the following:
1. "Well you wont really make any money these days without a PhD."
2. "There wont be a position that you will not be qualified for. No glass ceiling"
3. "You'll be able to get to the decision-making table faster."
4. "You'll be finished with school before 30."

Ha!

Compelling arguments indeed but I don't care.  A PhD would be wonderful , but again, that's not it.  My value is not tied to my degree.  And in fact, I am learning that my God-given purpose has nothing at all to do with public health.

Public health is a mechanism to be used to reach others, but I am here to serve the Lord, expand the kingdom for his glory.

So, until an angel appears to me in a dream and tells me to apply to PhD programs, or the Lord sends that sweet peace about it, I will not be applying.

My job is not it.  A degree is not it.  What's the one thing? What's the one thing?  Psalm 27:4 reads, "One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple."

I am going to continue developing my spiritual gifts.  I am going to continue writing about nothing and everything.  I am going to continue walking in forgiveness, love, and the fruit of the spirit.  To stand and behold his beauty, that's what I want to live for.  I want to access his lap of love and victory, and let him father and nurture me.  I want to be whole and accessible for this kingdom work.

I prefer kingdom "work" because it's less about "doing" and more about "being".  I just want to be.  I don't want to be measured by degrees.  Do I lose my value and sense of worth when I access and then (possibly) lose a job position?  No.  My identity is in Him.  My spiritual position is defined.  I am a warrior, a princess, a daughter, royalty.  That's it.

Journal Entry| May 18, 2013

"In late February/early March, Obehi and I traveled to a conference in Kansas City.  At the conference I received a vision for myself.  I was standing on a lookout cliff on a mountain.  There was an entire legion of soldiers behind me, listening to my instruction.  There was a tremendous battle being waged on the plain down below.  I used my hair to pass messages and tools down to the soldiers below.  This matches a prophetic word I received last year; I expand the kingdom by equipping powerful people."

Dear Mama

This post was not relevant on your birthday.  Nor was it relevant on Mother's Day.  I am not writing this post to extend gratitude for all that you have done.  I am not writing this post to share the attributes that make you a great woman.  I am writing this post to apologize.

Forgive me mommy.

Like you, I have experienced the stings of rejection, the hurt feelings, the disappointment.  Like you, I dote on my father, knowing his strengths and shortcomings, and choosing to relish in the idea of him anyway.  Like you, I know the exhaustion that comes after giving measures and measures of advice to those who wont listen. Like you, I know what is to experience absentee friendship and outright betrayal.  Like you, I know what it is to share your love through hospitality only to have to rearrange curtains and lampshades after those you've allowed to enter ransack your place.  Like you, I know what it is to feel invisible and irrelevant. 

Forgive me mommy.

Now, I understand you a little bit better.  I see you a little bit clearer.  The doting, the yelling, the love of music, the nurturing, the high expectations, the wisdom, the laughter, the anger, the hormones, the resting, the naivete, the love of dance, the love... I see it.

Forgive me mommy.

I judged you.  I just knew better.  I just knew I was smarter, wiser.  I just knew that you wouldn't get it.  I just knew that you were "crazy".

Forgive me mommy.  I'm sorry.

There's nothing wrong with you woman!  You are a majestic beauty, a strong oak, my honey bunch.  My mommy.

I love you.

COOLIKAN