Dear Mama

This post was not relevant on your birthday.  Nor was it relevant on Mother's Day.  I am not writing this post to extend gratitude for all that you have done.  I am not writing this post to share the attributes that make you a great woman.  I am writing this post to apologize.

Forgive me mommy.

Like you, I have experienced the stings of rejection, the hurt feelings, the disappointment.  Like you, I dote on my father, knowing his strengths and shortcomings, and choosing to relish in the idea of him anyway.  Like you, I know the exhaustion that comes after giving measures and measures of advice to those who wont listen. Like you, I know what is to experience absentee friendship and outright betrayal.  Like you, I know what it is to share your love through hospitality only to have to rearrange curtains and lampshades after those you've allowed to enter ransack your place.  Like you, I know what it is to feel invisible and irrelevant. 

Forgive me mommy.

Now, I understand you a little bit better.  I see you a little bit clearer.  The doting, the yelling, the love of music, the nurturing, the high expectations, the wisdom, the laughter, the anger, the hormones, the resting, the naivete, the love of dance, the love... I see it.

Forgive me mommy.

I judged you.  I just knew better.  I just knew I was smarter, wiser.  I just knew that you wouldn't get it.  I just knew that you were "crazy".

Forgive me mommy.  I'm sorry.

There's nothing wrong with you woman!  You are a majestic beauty, a strong oak, my honey bunch.  My mommy.

I love you.