Still Hiding

Rejection.

I have experienced it. And it hurts.  Sometimes it's in the form of "we regret to inform you".  Other times it's more like "I think we should just be friends".  In any form or fashion it hurts.  And in my case, it reaffirms long-held beliefs that I am just not worth it - it being the time, effort, resources, chance, etc.

(Well that was sobering.)

Since my move to Atlanta, I have experienced tremendous moves of God deep down in my soul.  I can rest well at night.  My pursuits can be characterized as less "striving" and more "trusting".  I can look in the mirror now and see a reflection that I like, and know that I am delighted in by the Most High.

But sometimes the lies creep back up.  Situations arise and the lies take the form of truths.  And when this happens, I start running. I run away and hide.  I dress down, veil my beauty, in order to lessen attention that could lead to another bout of rejection.  I decline offers from friends to hangout, or rather I plan events by myself, in order to not be a bother to others and save myself from future abandonment.  I soothe the wounds through avoidance.  The running, hiding, and avoiding is rooted in FEAR.  

In the book "Captivating", the authors write that a woman desires to be pursued - tell me something I don't know - and also to be a main character in an adventure.  As I am apt to do, I have begun planning my career adventure as far as ten years down the road.  It involves taking on assignments at various health departments and public health institutions in different states, requiring a move every two years.  Sounds good right?

And then I read what the authors of the aforementioned book write - "And to every woman [Satan] has whispered, "You are alone," or "When they see who you really are, you will be alone," or "No one will ever truly come for you."

My desire to keep moving around or move far away is not new.  Ask my college friends; back then I was determined to move to Hawaii although all I had ever known was the East Coast.  I see now that I want to keep moving so that no one will ever catch up to me and have enough time to develop a relationship with and then reject me.  I want to keep running so that I will never have to be still and feel that no one is coming for me.  I do not want to consign this finding to just possible romantic companionship.  I am talking about friendships, business partnerships, and deeper relationships with family members too!

I would be a fool to think that this running and hiding is limited to my earthly relationships.  It affects my relationship with God as well.  He asked me to stop running and hiding from him.  He said - "Look at me.  Come to me.  I am here."

I am reminded by Shannon Ethridge, other believers, and the Word of God that there is a radiance on the inside of every woman - including me!  It is hidden, and through relationship it is developed and able to shine at its brightest.  Not everyone sees it, wants it, or deems it valuable or worthy, but that does not make it less so.  

(See, when I signed up for this Christian thing nobody told me it would require uncovering wounds and asking God for healing.  I thought everything would just be smooth sailing.  I thought the baggage was taken care of when I said to the Lord, "I do." I need to have a talk with those admission officers! Haha)

So what does this mean going forward?  Do I stop planning for this adventurous career?  Once my year off is complete, do I accept more date invitations?  Should I, Ms. Independent, limit my alone time? Ugh.

I don't know.

Psalm 18 just leaped into my mind.  The Psalmist writes "¹⁶ He sent from above, He took me; He drew me out of many waters.¹⁷ He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them that hated me, for they were too strong for me.¹⁸ They came against me in the day of my calamity; but the Lord was my stay.¹⁹ He brought me forth also into a large place; He delivered me, because He delighted in me."

My Healer can deliver me from the waters of hurt and rejection.  Satan tells me lies.  God delivers me from them.  The Lord delights in me.  I am humbled when reminded that Jesus knew rejection all too well.  He knows my pain and is well equipped to handle it.  I do not have to run.  He wants me.  He runs toward me to rescue me from calamity.  I do not have to be afraid. 

Now that sounds quite romantic and adventurous to me!