Saying Goodbye to Addiction

Pornography has never been a stronghold in my life. Sugar, yes. Porn, no. I have been exposed to it, but I guess my fear of being caught overpowered the addictive prowess of the words and images.

I am finding that women, my sisters in Christ, have been and continue to be snared by porn and its derivatives.  (I expected it from men but my sisters too? Yes.)

I purchased a book recently.  It's the predecessor and companion work of "Captivating". It's called "Wild at Heart" and features the keys to what lies underneath the sometimes distant and withdrawn features of every man. The author brings the reader back to the true and intimate core of a man, as God designed.  It's not a self-help book. It's a self reveal.

In it the author writes, "The less a guy feels like a real man in the presence of a real woman, the more vulnerable he is to porn."

Whoop, there it is!

But Lord what about women? Why are we also ensnared?

I believe, the less a woman feels like a beauty, worthy of pursuit, in the presence of godliness,  the more susceptible she is to hiding in the shadows of counterfeit intimacy.

Counterfeit intimacy?  Pornography, an abusive relationship, an undefined relationship status.  Yes, counterfeit.

But there is one who calls us beautiful - no matter how much we weigh, what clothes we wear, how accomplished we are, our relationship status,  or the amount of funds in our bank accounts. And he pursues, continuously.  He is relentless.

The recovery process begins with a prayer. Lord, I come humbly before you with a heart crying out for more.  I long to bear purity and righteousness as fixtures of my soul.  I have used pornography as a substitute for true intimacy. Forgive me.  I ask now that you begin a process of cleansing and restoration in me.  Renew my mind. Show me beauty.  Show me beauty in me. Remind me of your tireless pursuit of me.  Reveal it through nature. Reveal it through your Word. I am ready to be revealed.  Thank you for being my rock,  my sword, and my shield.  Thank you for being the lover of my soul.  May we be joined together,  forever.  In Jesus' mighty name,  Amen.

My sisters, He is with you.  I stand with you in this fight for a reclaiming of your hearts and minds.  Let's rejoice now,  knowing that the battle's already been fought and won,  and that we have overcome.

Forgetting Fear

Pepper, my dog, has had a terrible time with stairs lately.

She just keeps falling down.  She gets so excited, rushes down, and ends up tumbling most of the way. 

Well recently she has noticed this pattern and has decided that she is not going down any stairs that are not bricked.  That's right.  We get to the staircase ledge and she crouches down and refuses to go any further.  I end up carrying her down the stairs.  #thisismylife

Well, one morning Pepper really had to go.  She was whining and crying!  I hurriedly slipped on some outdoor attire, attached her to her leash, and ran out the door.

We left the apartment so quickly, that we both jetted down the stairs.

In her anxious state of wanting to make it outside quickly, Pepper forgot she was afraid of the stairs!

And I got to thinking - what if I forgot what I was afraid of?

What if I lived as if I were unafraid of public speaking or disappointing people or being a inefficient employee?  What if I looked forward to entrepreneurship?  What would my days look like if I were not afraid of failing? 

Psalm 27 begins -
The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?  The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?

When I walk with the Lord as my light and my strength, I can literally forget my fear. 

Poof. Gone. Done.

What would you do if you forgot what you were afraid of?  Better yet, who would you be?

Caught Up

I try to do everything perfectly.  That's right, I am a perfectionist.

I recall my mother telling me that when I was younger and made an error on a homework assignment, I would tear the whole thing up and start all over again.

Yes, I am was that bad.

Today I find myself caught up in the same drive for perfection.  I want to be the perfect daughter, perfect worshipper, perfect girlfriend, perfect sister, perfect employee, neighbor, dog owner, etc.  I grow disheartened when I am forced to face correction, and even more so when it means that I have made a lasting mistake.

I fear disappointment.  I fear being a disappointment to others. (Remember that lie I carry around.)

But as I focus on the perfect outcome, I lose perspective.  My efforts don't approach glorifying God.  Instead I try to control everything in my own power.  I take the place of God.  I don't trust that He'll do it right, or that He'll forgive me when I mess up. Nope.  I want to avoid the whole mess of error and correction. But if I do that, I am stagnant.

Every parent knows that if a child is left up to his or her own devices, he or she would be a feral creature.  Parenting requires exercising discipline to ensure children develop into functioning adults.  Well, the same with my heavenly Father I'm finding.  I make mistakes and his gentle, guiding hand disciplines me.  I do not have to fear that.  It means he loves me! And considers me His own.

So, I can chill.  And live life - full of the risks described by poet William Arthur Ward.  God is with me.  He is with me.

Warrior

Genesis 32: 24-30 (KJV)

²⁴ And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.
²⁵ And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.
²⁶ And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.
²⁷ And he said unto him, What is thy name? And he said, Jacob.
²⁸ And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.
²⁹ And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.
³⁰ And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.

These past three weeks I have been feeling a little dry.  It's not just the circumstances I described in "A Country Music Week".  I have felt a lack of connection with God's Word, and a lack of clarity regarding next steps.  What do I pray for Lord?  What should I be doing?  

I attended a prophetic service last night.  I sat back as just another observer.  But as I soaked in that atmosphere, I began to pick up timely words from the Lord.  As the leaders were calling out people in the audience to give messages to, I was writing down what God highlighted for me.  

Here's one: "After wrestling with God, Jacob came out with a different name."

A different name. 

 

These dry weeks remind me of the brutal 22 months of (spiritual) fatigue, loneliness, regret, and confusion I experienced in graduate school.  "What am I doing here Lord?"  I spent many days and nights feeling like my prayers were falling on deaf ears.  "Where are you Lord?"

Two and half years later, I'm now able to look back at those circumstances and view that time as a welcome season of character development from the Lord.  I wrestled with the Lord then.  And now, my new name is Warrior.

I can be described as reserved.  But with this new name, I have a fiery desire to stand firm for the things of the Lord - battling false teaching, principalities, and mountains of sin and strongholds along the way.  

In this current dry period, I am tempted to run back to "reserved" status.  It's easier to be walled up in survival mode than to face battle (and possible defeat).  But wait, I'm on the winning side!  He has equipped me to war for righteousness and peace.  And that's exactly what I am going to do.  I am going to boldly pray for restoration in my relationships, and for divine intervention in my natural circumstances.  I will humble myself in his presence for the refreshing that I need.  I am going to step out in business opportunities, share my dreams, and seek his heart for me.  Protecting my peace is on my priority list, and so is preparing my heart for worship and thanksgiving always.  I will suit up with spiritual armor daily.  This is no longer a year off - from dating or otherwise - but a year on in pursuit of Christ's heart and the manifestation of the Kingdom here on earth.

This Warrior chants "restoration" and "honor".  

Let faith arise in this heart oh Lord.  Have your way.

A Country Music Week

At a job training, our emotional intelligence facilitator told us that there would be points in our lives when we have a "country music year".  This year is characterized by hardships - your dog dies, your spouse leaves, your favorite car breaks down, etc.

Well I have had a country music week.

My grandmother was brain dead last Monday.  My maternal grandmother was also hospitalized due to kidney failure.  My car indeed broke down.  And now, as a federal employee, I  have been furloughed.  Even with successes - my brain dead grandmother is now in recovery and I have a new ride - there's still all the emotional and financial calamity to wrestle with.

Well how do I cope during a country music week?

I withdraw.  I did not shed one tear when I heard about my grandmother's near-passing or when I realized that my saving would have to be put on hold to pay for a car.  Recently, I have turned inward, scowling at God, and thinking to myself - now what?  What else?  What disappointment is next?

I told a friend about all that was going on.  He said to take things one day at a time and that everything would be alright.  My reply: "I don't know."  His response: "Don't say that. God is good!  Everything He does is good.  Don't ever doubt."

Good word indeed.  How do I believe it?  It's so easy to believe it for everyone else.  How do I believe God for victory in my and my family's circumstances?

I opened up my browser today and came across a scripture that marks a good place to start.

Luke 5:16 - But Jesus often withdrew to lonely places and prayed.

I can start simply. With prayer.  In this place of cynicism, unbelief, and withdrawal, I can go to God and air my concerns.  In return I get to sit in presence and receive peace.  I receive the hope and patience I need to stand and stand strong. 

So cheers to a country music week.  I have prayer to get me through.  Can somebody pour me a drink too?  :)

No Drive-Thru

It had been 8 months since I moved down to Atlanta and I was on a roll!  I was feeling better about myself and my circumstances.  I was forming friendships and exploring the city.  Work was going well.  Things were good!

You see the week before I moved to Atlanta, God jump-started a healing process in me.  So 8 months later, when life was better, I was certain that the healing process was complete and I could zoom into my destiny.  (Dramatic I know.)

And then came a word from the Lord. LOL!

I was at my community group and a young woman shared that God was telling me "no drive-thru".

When she said it, I knew the word was from him.  I was so ready to zoom through the healing process so I could get on with my life.  I felt the healing was a waste of time, preventing me from reaching my goals.  I am learning that - 1) healing is a part of my destiny, and 2) without healing I will never awaken to the true nature of God and walk with him into my kingdom purpose.  
________________________

Fast food at a drive-thru sits heavy on my stomach.  I've learned to stay away from it.  It looks, smells, and tastes so delicious; there's no palate substitute for butter, sugar, and carbs lol.  But the lingering headache, heart palpitations, and nausea is not worth it!  

Now when I am committed to eating balanced meals featuring whole grains, fruits, and veggies, I feel light, energized, and ready to take on the world!


Both meals satiate but only one really satisfies and fuels as designed.  

I'll skip the drive-thru, travel to God's house, take a seat at his table, and delight in his all natural, home-cooked goodies.  They truly satisfy my soul and prep me for righteous living.  There's no substitute. 

Measuring Success

So you know that thing that happens when you change your profile picture.  You keep revisiting Facebook to see how many more people have liked your picture since you last checked.

Measuring beauty and likability in numbers...

The same with sharing an inspired post.  How many have seen? How many shares?  How many?  What's the number?
_______________________
We sat in the conference, stunned, overwhelmed by all the kingdom wisdom concerning leadership that had been shared with us.  We were soaking up the truth about Nehemiah, and giving feedback in the context of love and value.  We revisited prophetic personalities; are you a knower, seer, hearer, or feeler?  I heard, "All increase in my life is to serve better.  If I am not in a position to serve (in my heart) then the increase will hurt."  I was stung when we talked about forgiveness, releasing our offenders to turn our betrayals into promotion.  And then we came to this - 

"Are you measuring your success by numbers or by presence?  Are you living off the praise of man?"

"When you eat at the table of the fear of man, it tastes sweet at first but the digestion is bitter.  When you eat at the table of God, it may taste bitter at first, but the digestion is sweet."

BOOM!

In all that I do, whether it's enjoying God's beauty (in myself, others, nature) or developing a public health program, am I measuring success based on the evaluation of something external to God?  Am I measuring my growth by the number of "atta-girl" exclamations and pats on the head I receive?

Don't get me wrong, there is value when we esteem one another.  But is that the only source of comfort I get?

I have learned that growing in God is extremely... did I say extremely, yes, ok... extremely uncomfortable.  That's the bitter part.  But then the sweetness falls from heaven when I walk in step with him, trusting him, delighting in this love affair, knowing that every single thing is working out for my good.   

Moral of the story:  Forget all those Facebook likes and page views.  I toast to God, and in return he showers me with all the esteem I need. I scour the Word for his truth and listen intently for him to speak.  I trust and obey, and leave all the consequences to him.

The Hill

Post 50 - Free Flow

I have been defining myself by how others treat me.

I want to know who I am by God's design.  What does it mean to be a product of the creator?  What value does he see in me, his creation? 

When I truly begin to to know myself as he intended, how will I behave?  How then will others treat me?

I first need to know more about him.  I was birthed from him.  So what is he like?  What authority does he have?  What resources does he have access to?  What are his intentions?

If I seek, and subsequently find out that he is lovely, and all powerful, and that his intentions are good, does that mean that I am lovely?  With him, are all things possible... no, really?  He is good to me?  I can receive love from him?  I can love others too?

How will I treat others once I find out that they too are his creation?

Where do I start?  Oh right.  I need to know more about him.  More intimacy.  More Word.  More soaking.  More community.  Move into that oneness Elise.

Should I?  Does he even want to be with me?  What do I have to do to get to Him?  

I will just be... His. 

God sees my junk, knows more shortcomings, and still calls me His.  I look in the mirror and see the junk.  He looks me square in the eye and sees His son.  

Someone once told me that there's an eastern culture that believes that the first 50  years of life are just preparation; the last 50 years are a time to really live, to really enjoy the fruit.  At a conference I recently attended, someone told me that there's a time coming when I am going to be able to exercise, externally, all the things that God has been doing on the inside.  I think that starts with a re-imaging of who I am.   Not changing who I am.  But really understanding who God made me to be, the lovely stuff, and really carrying that on the outside so I can enjoy who He is, who I am, the gift I am to others, and the gift they are to me.  I am ready... I think. Eeek!

Low Storage

This weird looking symbol showed up on the top of my phone. It looks like a paint brush and a palette.  However, I think it's supposed to be a disc and an exclamation point.  At any rate, it appeared to tell me that my phone is running low on storage space.

 Well, I know the culprit.  It's my gallery.  I have 200+ photos on my smartphone and I have not even considered saving them somewhere else, or, heaven forbid, printing them out.
   
I immediately began scrolling through the photos.  There's my baby cousin Heaven; I can track her development from infancy to toddler-hood.  There are the mirror pics I've taken with my sisters.  "Why does Ava have my sweatshirt on???  Hmph!"  There are the selfies before special events - that Rihanna concert was great by the way - and the pictures I took of all the fish at the aquarium.  Good times!

 
 

Then there are the pics from all my adventures.  There's the hike up Stone Mountain, Julie's wedding in Boston, my road trip to Kansas City, the Blue Ridge Mountains, Cali, Tennessee.  And all of my pics feature rolling hills, mountain  landscapes, and these expansive, incredible views of cities and places of significance in my life.
 
And I ponder.  

I am reminded of God's whisper - "You're an overcomer."

Every mountain ridge in each photo reminds me of the journey to get up, to climb out of the rut.  The photos also remind me that there's something beautiful up top.  The view, the air, the quiet, the peace, the beauty... it's accessible.  It's worth it.  I wouldn't appreciate it without the stumbles on the journey up, would I?  Nope. 

There's a big picture in the midst of every hardship isn't there?  There's a way he can make the pain beautiful isn't there?  As I drudge through I have to remember His view, his beautiful mountain view.

Now I'm excited!  Let me clear these old photos out because the ones to come are going to be INCREDIBLE!  #nofilter

 

Overcomer

I heard about the rice experiement.  The "researcher" places rice, from the same bag or what have you, in two jars.  The rice is stored for a set amount of time, let's say a few weeks.  One rice jar is continuously told, "You are good rice.  You are valuable".  The other jar is told, "You are bad rice."  After a few weeks, the rice jars are examined. The "good rice" is thriving.  The "bad rice" is moldy and only fit for disposal. 

Well I was having a "bad rice" moment a few days ago.  I was stuck in one of those mental ruts again.  I was like, "I am not going to make it through these feelings."  And then I heard something.  I knew it was Him.  With this newfound intimacy with Him, I can recognize his voice.  He said, "You're an overcomer."

And that was it.  That was all I needed to hear.  I looked up and said, "Oh yeah.  That's right.  I'm an overcomer. This is temporary.  I am going to make it.  I am going to make it through debt, and feelings of regret.  I'm an overcomer."

He wants to see me thrive.  I forget that sometimes.  Thanks for the reminder Papa God!

Watching Her Grow

Pepper Jane Lockamy, my little honey bunches of oats, has learned how to jump up on the couch without any assistance. Yes, she is now tall enough to disturb my naps when she wants some snuggle time.

And I am so proud! 

It has been an absolute delight to watch her grow.  Once a month I find myself loosening her collar so that it's not too tight around her neck.  Soon, I'll be enlarging her crate so she has more room to stretch.

After observing this latest couch feat, I got to thinking, "Is the Father as delighted to watch me grow?"

In my walk, I sometimes come to these places where I get frustrated with God.  "Lord, what's up with this process?" "Why wont you just give me everything now so I don't have to deal with all of this?"

I am learning that it's in the trials and perseverance that I 1) grow closer to him, 2) develop better relationships with those around me (since I can't do everything myself), and 3) find out that I have these wonderful gifts and talents within me.

I like to imagine that as I step out in faith, make myself vulnerable, and allow his love to fill me, that he's watching, saying, "That's my girl! I am so proud!"

Not It

My 15 year old sister is with me for a few weeks.  My television has been taken hostage, and I now know a few Justin Bieber songs.  Yes, "Catching Feelings" is one of my favs now.  In her enthusiasm, she decided to write letters home to friends and family.  In her letter to our mother she remarked that I, in my job, "do a lot for the community - especially low-income people."

I love my job.  I would not want be doing anything else at this stage in my life.

But, as I sat in my cubicle some weeks ago I thought to myself, "This is not it."

In college, the mini-sermons we received usually revolved around finding your purpose.  We all just knew that our purpose was tied to our college coursework, so we stressed and complained until we found a major that was the best fit.  And those of those with ministry interest just knew that the only way to truly serve God was to join the divine order - go to divinity school and become a pastor.

Ha!

In graduate school, as I neared death from burn out, I was encouraged to apply to PhD programs.  I tried to.  I, in a cubicle, cried as I began applications at five prominent programs.  I never finished those applications.  I only started them because I heard the following:
1. "Well you wont really make any money these days without a PhD."
2. "There wont be a position that you will not be qualified for. No glass ceiling"
3. "You'll be able to get to the decision-making table faster."
4. "You'll be finished with school before 30."

Ha!

Compelling arguments indeed but I don't care.  A PhD would be wonderful , but again, that's not it.  My value is not tied to my degree.  And in fact, I am learning that my God-given purpose has nothing at all to do with public health.

Public health is a mechanism to be used to reach others, but I am here to serve the Lord, expand the kingdom for his glory.

So, until an angel appears to me in a dream and tells me to apply to PhD programs, or the Lord sends that sweet peace about it, I will not be applying.

My job is not it.  A degree is not it.  What's the one thing? What's the one thing?  Psalm 27:4 reads, "One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple."

I am going to continue developing my spiritual gifts.  I am going to continue writing about nothing and everything.  I am going to continue walking in forgiveness, love, and the fruit of the spirit.  To stand and behold his beauty, that's what I want to live for.  I want to access his lap of love and victory, and let him father and nurture me.  I want to be whole and accessible for this kingdom work.

I prefer kingdom "work" because it's less about "doing" and more about "being".  I just want to be.  I don't want to be measured by degrees.  Do I lose my value and sense of worth when I access and then (possibly) lose a job position?  No.  My identity is in Him.  My spiritual position is defined.  I am a warrior, a princess, a daughter, royalty.  That's it.

Journal Entry| May 18, 2013

"In late February/early March, Obehi and I traveled to a conference in Kansas City.  At the conference I received a vision for myself.  I was standing on a lookout cliff on a mountain.  There was an entire legion of soldiers behind me, listening to my instruction.  There was a tremendous battle being waged on the plain down below.  I used my hair to pass messages and tools down to the soldiers below.  This matches a prophetic word I received last year; I expand the kingdom by equipping powerful people."

Dear Mama

This post was not relevant on your birthday.  Nor was it relevant on Mother's Day.  I am not writing this post to extend gratitude for all that you have done.  I am not writing this post to share the attributes that make you a great woman.  I am writing this post to apologize.

Forgive me mommy.

Like you, I have experienced the stings of rejection, the hurt feelings, the disappointment.  Like you, I dote on my father, knowing his strengths and shortcomings, and choosing to relish in the idea of him anyway.  Like you, I know the exhaustion that comes after giving measures and measures of advice to those who wont listen. Like you, I know what is to experience absentee friendship and outright betrayal.  Like you, I know what it is to share your love through hospitality only to have to rearrange curtains and lampshades after those you've allowed to enter ransack your place.  Like you, I know what it is to feel invisible and irrelevant. 

Forgive me mommy.

Now, I understand you a little bit better.  I see you a little bit clearer.  The doting, the yelling, the love of music, the nurturing, the high expectations, the wisdom, the laughter, the anger, the hormones, the resting, the naivete, the love of dance, the love... I see it.

Forgive me mommy.

I judged you.  I just knew better.  I just knew I was smarter, wiser.  I just knew that you wouldn't get it.  I just knew that you were "crazy".

Forgive me mommy.  I'm sorry.

There's nothing wrong with you woman!  You are a majestic beauty, a strong oak, my honey bunch.  My mommy.

I love you.

COOLIKAN

Making the Exchange

I have a hard time letting things go.  I carry around offenses and disappointments for a really long time.  Thank the Lord for the Lord! He always steps in to renew my mind.

Recently, I was meditating on a sore area of my past and it began to drag me down.  After each meditative minute, the weight on my chest grew heavier and heavier.  Ugh!

Then I received an image.

I saw a free bird carrying around the cage she had been previously trapped in. Why in the world would a newly-freed caged bird hold on to her cage?!

And then I realized that I was the bird! Darn it!

The cage is my back-up.  "Well God, I'm running this race for you but if things don't work out, I am going back into my cage, back into hiding, where much isn't' required of me."  And there's the fear... again!

I was flying over a vast ocean.  The living water (that is Christ) filled the ocean with love, joy, peace, and every delight from heaven I could think of.  I saw God on the horizon.  As I stared, I loosened my grip on the cage.  The cage crashed down onto some rocks below and broke up into little pieces that were soon swallowed up by the ocean.

Ok Lord... I get it.  I get it. Will I live it though?  Will I live like a free bird?  Will I dare to soar?  Will I keep my eyes fixed on you?  Will I trust you as the wind beneath my wings?  Do you see me?  Will you comfort me?  Are you my rest and refuge? 

Ok, so this is it.  One more 'gain.  I am exchanging my bondage for freedom.  He's pulling me out.  I hear him saying, "Come out here beloved and walk on this water with me.  Soar with me.  Rest with me.  Delight in me, as I delight in you.  Let's do this."

Ok, Lord.  Let's do this.  Give me a minute though to tie my shoes.  Teehee!

Good Men

Jeanine walked into the room and was full of joy.  She was enthusiastically awaiting a special word from the Lord.  As soon as she sat down, my team went to work.  The other two people in the room (let's call them April and Jim) were providing words and visions of comfort.  I didn't have my thoughts together yet, but Jim announced to Jeanine that I was baking something special for her.  Ha, I was.  The Lord was showing me something dark.  I saw someone beating Jeanine with a whip!  When I told her what I saw, her eyes grew big; she looked shocked.  I also saw the Lord stepping in between her and her accuser, rescuing her.  I heard the Lord say that her singing during her private worship moments would help to free her.

Jim probed a bit more.  He asked Jeanine if the whipping scene resonated with her.  In fact, the accuser was her ex-husband.  She told us of the relational distress they had been in, and her disappointment now that he had moved on (remarried) and started a family, a family she always wanted.

April asked me to pray.  I pressed into the spirit and pulled down the words of comfort and victory that the Lord wanted to share.  After I finished praying, Jim, who had pulled up a chair right in front of April and grabbed her hands, prayed some more. In the prayer he asked God to cut off the attack of the enemy and to bring healing.  Jim paused in the middle of his prayer.  He looked Jeanine in her eyes and announced that he was going to stand in for the men in her life who had hurt her.  Jim then asked Jeanine, "Will you forgive us?"  Jeanine said she would.  We closed out the session and awaited the next appointment.

Jim is fun.  At the beginning of our prophetic session he made a joke about receiving text messages from God.  Jim is kind.  His words are sincere and reflect the Father's heart.  Jim is an encourager.  When he told Jeanine that I had something special for, it prompted me to ask the Lord to show me more.  Jim is like most men I have met during my time on the prophetic team.  These men are older gentleman, Caucasian, and so warm and fuzzy it bowls me over!  They are strong, they are deep, and they are secure in the Father's love.

I often meet men who are still trying to find themselves. (Let me add that there's nothing wrong with identity exploration.  It takes us right into the arms of the Father.)  I meet men who need encouragement to be who the Father created them to be.  (Again, nothing wrong with that.  Alas, I am an encourager.) But, there is something really special, I mean really special, about men who've already found themselves, and the Father, and are able to encourage me!  It is refreshing to find a man who doesn't have to prove his masculinity.  The men on my prophetic team are strong and tender, reflecting both the masculine and feminine traits of God, and they are not afraid to show it!  I love it!

I did not know men like this existed.  Seriously.  They have changed the way I understand strength, purpose, pastoral care, and fatherly love.  I did not know that white men could be so kind.  No, seriously.   I did not know that older men could be so identity-secure.  No, seriously.  I did not know that the sensitive man is beautiful.  Seriously, I didn't.  I am glad that I have caught a glimpse of this.  I see what a godly man looks like in later life.  And I like it!  I look forward to watching my godly man grow into a prized fatherly jewel.  In the meantime, I will soak up all I can from these earthly dads and use their wisdom, encouragement, and love to grow into the godly woman God desires me to be.

Can I Love?

"It's not easy to love everyone, but it is the call on every prophet's life.  To test us in this, God deliberately puts people around us who are meant to be loved by us.  Oftentimes, we will have to be very creative to love them; some of them, by design, are not easy to love.  But those unlovable ones, ironically, teach us the most about God's heart."

It's safer to withhold love from the unlovable, the hard to love.  When I can't get what I want from a relationship with someone, I draw back.  "You can't give me what I want so you get nothing at all", is my mindset.  What if Christ treated me this way?

It requires less of me when I withdraw from those around me.  The people around me may be the hard to love, the difficult to understand or relate to, and it is easier to pretend that they are less deserving of the love I have to share because they have not earned it.  What if God treated me this way?

I risk nothing when I refuse to share myself with another, a person I deem too irresponsible to handle my love.  She just isn't a good listener.  He does not know how to say sorry.  I can't get what I want so what's the point of this relationship.  What if the Lord related to me this way?

God's Word does not instruct that extending love, exhibiting Christ-like nature is easy.  Scripture does reveal: "And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."  My gifts, my faith, all null and void if I do not love.  A lover doesn't hide, does she?  She sees those in pain, those yearning for acceptance and uses love to stir up her gifts and help someone to reach the eyes of the Father and receive true love and acceptance from Him.

My love hoarding is wrapped up in un-forgiveness, the idolization of man, and flat-out disobedience (stubborn will and pride).  Daddy, thank you for your forgiveness and your love.  Thank you for never holding out on me.  Thank you for lavishing love on me, always.  Show me how to love as you love.  Teach me to see others as you see them.  Remove these blinders of fear and unforgiveness.  Diminish my pride and bring forth humility.  Touch the hurt places and fill them with desires for you.  I will go where you go, halt when you say halt, and rest in your arms forever.  I love you. 

A Heart's Return

I was standing in front of the Father with tears running down my face.  "Lord, if this is what it feels like to care then I don't want to anymore.  I don't want this heart.  I don't want it."

I had my heart in my hand.  I was screaming at God.  "Take it from me.  I don't want it."

I felt like damaged goods.  I felt used.  I felt afraid.

"I don't want to feel this pain Lord!"

I did not trust God for anything.  In fact, I believed that he was against me.  It seemed that nothing I prayed for would come to fruition, and that everything I did not want to happen was happening.  To "trick" God, I would pray and meditate on the things I did not want to happen so that maybe the good stuff would happen.  That didn't work.  I successfully transformed my mind into a house of pessimism and lies.  This only added to my pain.

Healing

In September 2011 I attended a deliverance retreat.  The facilitators, an awesome husband and wife team, spoke right into me.  I learned that I was keeping the enemy as a false protector and living in a vortex of darkness.  I learned that I believed that I was a disappointment and a mistake; I believed that I couldn't achieve anything good and that I was destined for rejection.  

The enemy wanted to keep me in that downtrodden place in order to work his plan of destroying me.

The team at the retreat prayed over me.  At the end of one session, a team member wrote, "the thorn came off and you are a brilliant bright rose."  Another team member saw me with a superhero cape on.  That was the start to my healing.


I write in a journal every now and then.  The other night I read past entries and took inventory of the changes in my thinking that have occurred.  My old posts were filled with words like - angry,  overwhelmed, afraid, and disappointed.  Today's posts are filled with hope and words of admiration to and from the Most High.  A post from last year details the day I cried in my cubicle at work and told God that I didn't trust him.  Just last week I was on the phone catching up with a friend and as I gave her an update on my life and family, she remarked, "I can tell you trust God."  

I wish I knew words that could express all the moves of God in my heart today. I wish I could articulate it well.  It's just a feeling, a knowing, a trusting, a renewal, a peace, a comfort, a joy, a new creature-ness, a love that I just can't explain.  But it's so real, and so accessible.  I wish I could bottle it up and give it to everybody all the time. Everyday isn't perfect and some days I am so caught up in myself and my emotions that I miss Him, but he's with me.  He's with me!

When I picture my heart, it's not apart from his.  I sit in his lap, and we're conjoined at the heart.  We beat as one.  He protects it.  He repairs it.  He whispers to it.  I want it.  I receive it.  I love it.

Spiritual Groaning

The great dog trainers (aka some man online and the guy at the pet store) tell me that Pepper must learn how to hold her waste.  I bought her a crate and I put her in it when I am out of the house so she learns to hold it and "go" outside when I come home.  On the weekends, I put her in the crate for a few hours to simulate the time I am away at work.  Well when I am home (outside of the crate) and out of her line of sight when she is in the crate, this girl has a FIT.  She starts crying, and whining, and progresses to barking.  Sometimes I talk to her when she's in there.  I say, "Pepper, you have to learn to pee pee outside.  Stop all that noise."  Pepper looks and then grumbles at me, like an adolescent talking back to her mom!  Sometimes the grumbles turn into groaning.  Her groaning is a mixture of a whimper and a low rumbling bark.  When she starts groaning, I know she's really upset.  (I leave her in the crate though!)

This morning, I was talking to God.  I told him that I am uncomfortable in this "naked" state; this intimacy is making me feel weak and powerless.  I want to say, "Don't look at me Lord. Stop it, stop it." I feel like running away.  At the same time, I hope that he sees me, all of me.  I want Him to cover me, and protect me.  I want to be bare in front of Him.  As I laid with Pepper asleep in the small "crawl space" between my back and the couch, I started groaning.  I don't want to be here, in this place with the idols and false coverings being removed, but at the same time I know I need to be here.  I know I need this place for growth.  I know I need this place in order to live as God intends for me to.

I groaned, I groaned, and I groaned.  My groans were a mixture of sobs and hums rumbling from my chest.  When I was all groaned out, my nose was snotty and my hair flat on one side.  I awoke from the groaning with my heart wide open though.  I began to remember promises that have been spoken over my life; they floated in and out of my thought world.  I began forming fresh ideas related to my future.  I put together a laundry list of things to pray about it.  Groaning broke down my defenses, and also stopped negative thoughts from holding me down.  I know Paul doesn't mention it in Ephesians 6, but groaning just might be a weapon I use in this spiritual battle for my mind, body, and soul.